To be honest, I’m feeling a bit of whiplash, rose lovers. Going from the looooong-anticipated fence jump to spending two hours watching women I barely remember bicker over petty grievances that feel like they happened 127 years ago… well, it’s a journey for sure. But professional obligation — me as a recapper and you, rose lovers, as members of Bachelor Nation — requires us to discuss what happened at the Women Tell All reunion, so let’s get to it! Herewith, the most GIF-able moments.
Colton Showering Backstage
Whether it was playing Where’s Waldo with that creepy Adam Jr. doll on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette or letting Alabama Hannah go to the “Hannah Beast” well one too many times, Team Bachelor sure knows how to run a joke into the ground. But I’ll admit, this was funny.
The Unbearable Cacophony of Cross-Talk
Did Onyeka bully Nicole, or was she actually the bully? Is Sydney a “coward” for leaving the way she did? And who is this Nina person and why is she so upset? Answer: OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES MY EARS ARE BLEEDING PLEASE SHUT THE F— UP!!!!!!!!!
Caelynn vs. Katie
Okay, so remember how Katie told Colton to “be smart” about who he picked because there were some women who weren’t ready to be engaged? And remember how that set off a whole chain reaction with Tayshia then outing Cassie and Caelynn as those aforementioned women? Well, tonight Harrison attempted to get to the bottom of this mess: “So Katie, who were you talking about?”
Follow me here, rose lovers: Katie says she was “mainly talking about Caelynn and Cassie,” because on the bus from the airport to the hotel in Singapore she heard the two BFFs talking about “one of us winning” and “one of us being the Bachelorette after this.” Caelynn, meanwhile, says that conversation actually went something like this: “I said, ‘Cassie, if it’s me at the end of this, I pray that you’re the Bachelorette, you find your person,’ because that’s what best friends do.” To complicate matters further, Caelynn claims that she and Katie talked on the phone after filming and Katie admitted that she heard Caelynn’s version of the convo.
“That makes me feel so mad I’m shaking,” says Katie. “That’s the manipulation that Hannah B. warned Colton about.” Speaking of Hannah B., she apparently witnessed the Bachelorette conversation and says it was “more what Katie said” — but she no longer has any ill-will for her former pageant rival, Caelynn. Well, great — at least that’s one issue settled.
The Demi Show
Is it just me, or is Demi’s sassy-soundbite-machine schtick a lot more enjoyable now that she’s no longer pretending to be interested in Colton? The 23-year-old interior designer thrives on attention, and she was in her element at the Women Tell All. Practically everything she did was GIF-worthy.
There was the picture-in-picture hand-raising:
The talking about herself in the third person:
And the unvarnished honesty:
As for that rehashed drama between Demi and Courtney? It’s just as boring and obnoxious as it was the first time around. Unfortunately for Courtney, her attempt at a show-stopping gesture — shoving a pacifier in Demi’s mouth — made her look even more pathetic.
Shake it off, Demi. We’ll see you in Paradise.
Product Placement, Thy Name is Halo Top
Hey, Team Bachelor’s gotta pay the bills, right?
Hannah B. Auditions For Bachelorette
The one-time pot-stirring pageant queen with a “beautiful monster” inside of her is now a changed woman. During her time in the hot seat, Hannah B. says being on The Bachelor helped her shed that “pressure to be perfect,” and taught her that there’s more to life than marrying her boyfriend right out of college and “spitting out babies.” Today, Hannah says, “I want so much more, and I deserve so much more, and I don’t know why I ever settled for that.”
As for her second attempt at a toast? Not great, but not a complete disaster.
Show of Hands: Who Feels Personally Victimized by This Awkward “Sexual Innuendo” Exchange between Colton and Sydney?
Of course they were never going to let him answer Sydney’s “are you still a virgin” question. But man, that was unnecessary.
A few questions: Was that a mother-effing bat in the Bachelor mansion? If so, they need to tent and fumigate that house real good before Bachelorette filming begins. Also: Do you think Colton says “nailed it!” so much because he’s a fan of the delightful Netflix baking series of the same name, or because he time traveled here from 2015? And can you get ringworm from watching someone else let a stray dog lick his face? Discuss.
Next week, rose lovers, we’ll see how Team Bachelor tracks Colton down during his Portuguese walkabout, and what happens when he breaks the “thank u, next” news to Tayshia and Hannah G. Until then, rose lovers, if you need me, I’ll be enjoying some delicious low-calorie Halo Top ice cream. I hear their Salted Caramel flavor is pretty good.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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Chris Harrison hosts the veteran reality romance series. Will you accept this rose?