Home Entertainment The Bachelor recap: Colton’s Fantasy Suite date turns into a nightmare

The Bachelor recap: Colton’s Fantasy Suite date turns into a nightmare

<em>The Bachelor</em> recap: Colton’s Fantasy Suite date turns into a nightmare

Was it good for you, rose lovers? After nine weeks of build-up, we finally bore witness to the Fence Jump — and, more importantly, learned why Colton pulled such a crazy ninja move in the first place. So, were you satisfied? Take a moment and gather your thoughts as we recap everything that led up to the Bachelor’s Big Leap of (No) Faith.

The action picks up right where we left it last week, with Colton pulling Chris Harrison aside. As it turns out, all he wants to do is reminisce about the other time he pulled Harrison aside, when he nervously asked the host to explain the birds and the bees.

Ah, good times. There’s really no other point to the chat — Colton just reiterates for the 408th time that he’ll lose his virginity if he’s “in love.” Got it. Harrison, meanwhile, bids our Bachelor farewell with a brilliantly-executed handshake.

Yes, go forth and fornicate young man!

The “ladies” and Colton hop a plane to Algarve, Portugal, where they each stare pensively into the distance while waxing poetic about gettin’ busy in the Fantasy Suite. (Or, in Bachelor parlance, “exploring” their “feelings” on a “deeper level.”)

Fantasy Suite date No. 1 goes to Tayshia. Not much of note happens during the daytime portion — they take in the gorgeous views from a helicopter (natch), enjoy a picnic lunch on a cliff overlooking the ocean, and make a bunch of bumbling jokes about Colton’s lack of sexual experience. (“I’m not very flexible — it’s probably because I’m a virgin.” Huh?)

That night, dinner begins as these things usually do: With a discussion about Tayhia’s boobs.

It seems her double-sided wardrobe tape isn’t doing the job. “Just don’t let me be flashing the whole world, yeah?” she asks Colton with a giggle. On a serious note, Tayshia wants Colton to know that she was a virgin when she married her husband, so she understands “the value in waiting until you feel comfortable.” She also confesses to feeling “ashamed” when her husband cheated on her — but not anymore. “It’s caused me to know my self-worth,” she tells Colton. “I value intimacy a lot.” The Bachelor vows to remain faithful to her — if, you know, he chooses her in the end — and she LOVES it. So where’s that Fantasy Suite card hiding???

That is some very cute handwriting, Chris Harrison! (JK, of course he didn’t write that.) Of course, Team Bachelor can’t help but troll Colton a few more times before the Fantasy Suite fade-to-black moment. Case in point: They juxtapose the Bachelor saying “as men, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform” with this:

Damn, indeed!

The next morning, after a cheeky shot of a bumble bee pollinating a flower, we get the lowdown from Tayshia: “We didn’t have, like, the physical intimacy that I wanted, but I got to see him for he truly is — and it just validated my feelings for him,” she says. Though she’s putting on a brave face, it’s clear Tayshia’s a little disappointed — I mean, Colton has said over and over again that he’s only going to lose his virginity to a woman he loves… and indeed, he says he’s only “falling in love” with Tayshia. The Bachelor says he’s still hoping his feelings for Tayshia will develop… but we’re almost an hour into this episode, so my guess is that ain’t gonna happen. (Next: Cassie gets a surprise visitor in Portugal)

Chris Harrison hosts the veteran reality romance series. Will you accept this rose?

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